“Hatred. Something almost as physical as walls, pianos, or nurses. She could almost touch the destructive energy leaking out of her body. She allowed the feeling to emerge, regardless of whether it was good or bad; she was sick of self-control, of masks, of appropriate behavior. Veronika wanted to spend her remaining two or three days of life behaving as inappropriately as she could.”
Here I go again.. Feeling exhausted.. Tired.. And empty.. Why? Why do I have to feel this when I decided to get rid of it a long time ago? Why does it have to haunt me and give me this depressing feeling?
I know.. All along I am just in denial of how I really feel.. I’m trying to suppress everything I could and decided that, instead of receiving the pain from another person, I’d rather hurt myself in the process.. That I can handle it without anyone’s help.. And I don’t wish to burden anyone with my problems.. They won’t understand me anyway.. They’ll think it’s just too shallow and senseless..
They would never understand all the fear and frustrations I have inside.. The longing, the dreams and fantasies I am trying to brush off because I know nothing of those will come true.. That, if for others, it’s just like kids stuff..
I am trying to understand myself too if this thing is just temporary and would eventually fade in time.. I have been like this for months now–not really knowing what to do, where to go and who to talk to.. I have tried asking for help but it seems that help has hidden itself from me as well.. Telling me that I should take care of this on my own..
But how? Hide in the mountains? Escape to Africa? Move to outer space? Dive into the depths of the earth? Anywhere would do, just make me invisible.. Or make this feeling gone.. Sometimes, I just want to die.. For all of these to be finished.. Maybe if I’ll be gone from this world, I can help it to be a better place, one less unimportant and lovelorn soul..
But even doing that, I am afraid.. I am afraid that I’ll offend God.. I’ll disapppoint those people who think that I am worth it.. Am I? I couldn’t feel it..
I’m in the brink of my understanding and patience.. If I am worth it, they why? Why is this happening to me? Am I gonna be forever like this? If this is true, my God, please, take my heart out and my emotions and let me live like the undead.. Don’t let me feel this emptiness and loneliness.. I don’t want to pretend that I am happy and contented when I am not.. That I am ok, yet inside, my heart is already wrecked into pieces..
No, I am not ok.. I am cut into million pieces.. And I don’t know if someone can still save me..
Time goes by so fast…
Am I just in a dream or is this really happening? It just seemed yesterday that I had my 29th birthday, my mom’s 6th death anniversary and Christmas.. And now, I’m turning 30, my mom’s 7th death anniversary is approaching and the tremendous spending time of Christmas again!?
What have had happened in the past year that I may have missed? Mistakes I made and lessons I learned from them? I should remember some and then tell myself that I spent another year wisely.
In this fast-paced life, every opportunity, every chance we encounter, we should grab and use it to the best way possible..
Every emotion, every feelings, every drop of love should be cherished and kept in our hearts as once a moment passed by without you noticing it, it’s gone forever..
Until now, the feelings of my childhood remains and I still feel like a little kid clinging to the arms of whoever I have beside me.. Wanting to be taken care of and pampered with so much love that I don’t want to leave that comfort zone.. I know I should have left it a long time ago, journeyed on my own and learn the pains and sufferings of this battlefield they call life..
I tried to test the waters and dipped my feet a few number of times.. Took courage and jumped onto the unknown but returned broken and wounded like a soldier who charged without having his armor and sword.. Left to die but was given another chance to face the world again with more courage and strength..
But that doesn’t seem to be the case.. The soldier was so wounded that it reached the depths of her soul and released a thick blanket of protection over her heart and mind.. Clothed with this protection, the soldier feels the comfort of staying on the safer side of life.. Doing nothing, waiting for nothing, pretending it’s nothing.. And with this, another year had passed without her noticing it..
Yes, she didn’t feel any pain at all and wasn’t hurt at all.. But is that it? Should she be happy that she didn’t experience them? Should her heart be rejoicing that it wasn’t taken and returned broken? Is this one reason for a celebration?
If this is an assessment test on how well I played the game in the battlefield—definitely, I failed.
As I turn another leaf in this book of life, I’m facing a great challenge whether to stay in my comfort zone or go out there and bravely join the battlefield. I know I have gained my armor and sword but I am still lacking that courage to move forward.. I need a leap of faith..
Whether to leap or not, whether someone will catch me there or none.. We still don’t know.. Nobody knows..
And the clock is ticking fast..
My time is running out..
I have to make a decision now.. Should the soldier stay put? Or should she move forward?
Oh, the soldier answered – “I still have 45 days left, let me still enjoy where I am..” ;-P