Here I go again.. Feeling exhausted.. Tired.. And empty.. Why? Why do I have to feel this when I decided to get rid of it a long time ago? Why does it have to haunt me and give me this depressing feeling?
I know.. All along I am just in denial of how I really feel.. I’m trying to suppress everything I could and decided that, instead of receiving the pain from another person, I’d rather hurt myself in the process.. That I can handle it without anyone’s help.. And I don’t wish to burden anyone with my problems.. They won’t understand me anyway.. They’ll think it’s just too shallow and senseless..
They would never understand all the fear and frustrations I have inside.. The longing, the dreams and fantasies I am trying to brush off because I know nothing of those will come true.. That, if for others, it’s just like kids stuff..
I am trying to understand myself too if this thing is just temporary and would eventually fade in time.. I have been like this for months now–not really knowing what to do, where to go and who to talk to.. I have tried asking for help but it seems that help has hidden itself from me as well.. Telling me that I should take care of this on my own..
But how? Hide in the mountains? Escape to Africa? Move to outer space? Dive into the depths of the earth? Anywhere would do, just make me invisible.. Or make this feeling gone.. Sometimes, I just want to die.. For all of these to be finished.. Maybe if I’ll be gone from this world, I can help it to be a better place, one less unimportant and lovelorn soul..
But even doing that, I am afraid.. I am afraid that I’ll offend God.. I’ll disapppoint those people who think that I am worth it.. Am I? I couldn’t feel it..
I’m in the brink of my understanding and patience.. If I am worth it, they why? Why is this happening to me? Am I gonna be forever like this? If this is true, my God, please, take my heart out and my emotions and let me live like the undead.. Don’t let me feel this emptiness and loneliness.. I don’t want to pretend that I am happy and contented when I am not.. That I am ok, yet inside, my heart is already wrecked into pieces..
No, I am not ok.. I am cut into million pieces.. And I don’t know if someone can still save me..