“Hatred. Something almost as physical as walls, pianos, or nurses. She could almost touch the destructive energy leaking out of her body. She allowed the feeling to emerge, regardless of whether it was good or bad; she was sick of self-control, of masks, of appropriate behavior. Veronika wanted to spend her remaining two or three days of life behaving as inappropriately as she could.”
Regrets? I am full of them. I couldn’t even remember the very first time I had it.
In this life, we can never live without having regrets in our decisions once in a while. They help us grow and learn from our mistakes. They go hand in hand with experience as great teachers.
Recently, I made some hasty decisions based on my emotion and though I couldn’t say I have fully regretted everything that happened, it still bothers me a lot. It really felt different when I was currently in that situation compared to when I was already out of it. My thoughts and logical reasoning had been clouded and though I know things will never be the same after that, I still went on and followed my feelings. And yes, I was correct that nothing will ever be the same again.
From the instance that moment is over, the people involved suddenly changed. A 360 degrees full turn was evident but still trying to be oblivious about it. It’s like each second was so crucial and whatever remarks given would be too much to handle. Ego and Pride became too friendly that no one would take the blame or just admit that there was something wrong done.
I was hoping it’ll eventually pass and things will be back to how they were before – or so I thought.
Days passed and my mind has already accepted the fact that I can no longer change anything and just have to move on and continue my life. That these things were meant to happen to give me lessons to learn. But it becomes difficult if those around you are no longer the same as they used to be. That suddenly, those people who you thought would be nonchalant and would just brush it off became awkward and aloof. You tried to reach out and come to an agreement but to no avail.
I felt like a rag doll thrown at the corner of the room. Something that is no longer of use. A rag doll who can’t do anything since the decision is no longer hers. And just waiting for the right moment for someone to pick her up from that corner and give her the time and affection that was previously provided to her. Just like a good old friend.
This rag doll is not expecting anything nor hoping something will come up. She is just wishing that everything will go back to how it was before and remove all the awkwardness. Regrets happen and they happen a lot of time. And sulking isn’t the best approach. Accepting and moving on are much better options.