Have you ever dreamed of something and wanted it so badly but you know that it is impossible to happen?
Dreaming of it every day makes you feel your heart being crushed instead of putting a smile on your face because you know, as time goes by, that dream will just stay only as a dream that slowly fades away.
Each one of us has a dream that will linger in our minds forever. May it be something that we want to buy someday, what we wanted to become when we were young or a once-in-a-lifetime event that we want to experience.
Why did we have to study? Get into a university, graduate then finally find a job that we enjoy and a stable income? Why? Because we have a goal in life. A purpose. An aspiration – A dream.
- A young girl who wishes to be a doctor someday studies really hard and aces her academics in order to enter a good university and take up a degree in Medicine.
- A teenager who has a beautiful voice who doesn’t stop joining singing contests or auditioning because he wants to be a famous singer one day.
- A couple who works hard day and night to save money to have that simple but memorable wedding and buy that dream house for their future family.
- A father or a mother who leaves their child to work overseas to ensure that they will have a secured future someday.
All of us have their dreams and we continue to exist in this life with an inner desire to fulfil them – those dreams are what motivate us, encourage us and give us the strength to go on.
When I was still a little girl, I have lots of dreams – I wanted to become a lawyer, a doctor, a dancer, a gymnast, an astronaut – everything a child could think of and pick up from books she had read or shows she had seen. I remember vividly that I tried my best to excel in everything at school whether in academics or extracurricular activities. I told myself that someday all of them will come true. My little heart back then thought that it was like a walk in the park achieving those dreams. But I never thought it would be so difficult and exhausting.
I believe that my mind and body had become exhausted from all those years studying. I never got to enjoy my childhood too much as I was always worried about my grades and reach my yearly goal to be an honour student. For my parents to be proud of me as they receive the medals and awards I gained for that academic year. So when the time came that I was a college student and my mom was sick, it was too much for me to bear I let go of everything. I left school at the start of my senior year.
As I journeyed into a new chapter in my life, I was lucky enough to find good-paying jobs. It may not be what my parents wanted for me but it was what I needed to survive. After my mom left us, I felt I had no reason to live anymore – at 23 years old, I was still staying with my parents, single and never had a boyfriend, no definite goal in my head – I felt so useless.
There were lots of times I thought of ending my own life. More than a dozen wishing I would not wake up the following day. I have no purpose in life I told myself, and Earth would be better with one less person polluting its air. I was just existing for the sake of my own existence.
Fast forward to some years after, I was working with a good company, with great people and a better salary than most people having the same job. I found nice people and became friends with them for years. When we reached our 30s, we decided it was time to try our luck somewhere else and be fully independent. I was excited because it was the first time I would really be on my own in everything – laundry, food, money. I have a new purpose in life now, to be able to go overseas and work.
Almost two years ago, we were able to accomplish it and now, here in Doha. We got nice jobs with great companies and we are given good compensation. I was determined to work hard and fulfil my new goals in life – have my own house and save something for my retirement someday. It was a simple goal and attainable if I do it with discipline and determination. They are always within my control and the success depends on me.
One thing I never expected is to find love in this country. I never imagined myself falling for someone who is from a different country. I may previously have crushes or dates before but never a serious relationship. I was excited and all those things about family life, kids and companionship in my old age all dawned on me suddenly. Something I never think about because I don’t want to be like my sisters who fell in love and lost.
I had my heart crushed and was left wounded in my first relationship. I never knew things I only read in books and seen in movies would happen to me. I blamed myself for some time and felt it was my entire fault why things happened.
But someone pulled me out of that darkness, helped me cope with everything and showed me kindness. He was my hero, my knight in shining armour. I told him everything about me and though I was still afraid to trust again, I tried my best to give it to him.. I wanted to be whole for him.
Though I told myself that family life is not for me, I still have that innermost desire to somehow have one. I kept on telling myself I am not ready and will never be ready for taking care of kids and my husband. But the feelings never died.. While being in a relationship with him, I found him to be an ideal guy to be someday the father of my child.
But he told me he never had that dream. He is like me who doesn’t see himself in a familiar environment of kids and home. He loves his family back home – his parents, his siblings and their children – but he said never will he have his own.
I don’t know if he just told me that because I am not ideal to him and I am only temporary but it did hurt me a lot. I am still hoping that someday if we really can’t be together, I still want him to be the father of my child. My little kiddo having those dark enchanting eyes and a great mind.
I would say at my age now, that is my dream if I am not bound to have a family, at least a kid to call my own. I know I can survive if I have someone beside me as I continue my existence in this world. That kid would be life.
But again, there are things not meant to happen and will never have a chance to happen. And that includes that dream. A dream that I don’t have any control of and out of my hands. A dream that depends on someone else.
I know I am not the typical lady with my weird thoughts and craziness. But I never thought that my future will not be the typical story that most people would have.. I would never be married in a church as I have been wanting before, actually I think I would never be married anywhere. I would not have a child with the person I love the most and would never raise a family of my own.
As of now, I am still trying to accept everything slowly for my heart not to break apart. I am trying to understand everything and convince myself it’s alright. I am trying to keep the empty hole inside me at bay and try to fill it with other things.
I am trying to digest that my greatest dream will never come true.
That my only dream will only stay just a dream and nothing more than that.