Here I go again.. Feeling exhausted.. Tired.. And empty.. Why? Why do I have to feel this when I decided to get rid of it a long time ago? Why does it have to haunt me and give me this depressing feeling?

I know.. All along I am just in denial of how I really feel.. I’m trying to suppress everything I could and decided that, instead of receiving the pain from another person, I’d rather hurt myself in the process.. That I can handle it without anyone’s help.. And I don’t wish to burden anyone with my problems.. They won’t understand me anyway.. They’ll think it’s just too shallow and senseless..

They would never understand all the fear and frustrations I have inside.. The longing, the dreams and fantasies I am trying to brush off because I know nothing of those will come true.. That, if for others, it’s just like kids stuff..

I am trying to understand myself too if this thing is just temporary and would eventually fade in time.. I have been like this for months now–not really knowing what to do, where to go and who to talk to.. I have tried asking for help but it seems that help has hidden itself from me as well.. Telling me that I should take care of this on my own..

But how? Hide in the mountains? Escape to Africa? Move to outer space? Dive into the depths of the earth? Anywhere would do, just make me invisible.. Or make this feeling gone.. Sometimes, I just want to die.. For all of these to be finished.. Maybe if I’ll be gone from this world, I can help it to be a better place, one less unimportant and lovelorn soul..

But even doing that, I am afraid.. I am afraid that I’ll offend God.. I’ll disapppoint those people who think that I am worth it.. Am I? I couldn’t feel it..

I’m in the brink of my understanding and patience.. If I am worth it, they why? Why is this happening to me? Am I gonna be forever like this? If this is true, my God, please, take my heart out and my emotions and let me live like the undead.. Don’t let me feel this emptiness and loneliness.. I don’t want to pretend that I am happy and contented when I am not.. That I am ok, yet inside, my heart is already wrecked into pieces..

No, I am not ok.. I am cut into million pieces.. And I don’t know if someone can still save me..


Remembering Mama..

Today should have been Mama’s 65th birthday if she was still alive..

A strict but a loving mom who never failed to give us words of wisdom based on her past experiences.. I could still remember how she spanked me whenever I did something wrong then would asked me later why she did that to me.. My mom who always told us that we could get whatever we want once we started working and just enjoy the simple things we had then..

She never ever went to my school during meetings but will definitely rush there if she knew someone bullied us.. She also never went up the stage to accompany me on my recognition days.. She hated being the center of attention and being in the crowd, that was what she said.. But once we got home, we were welcomed by sumptuous dishes she tirelessly prepared..

She was a woman of faith.. Though she seldom attended Mass, she never failed to teach us about our faith and encouraged us to get involve to Church activities.. Being very strict and all, but when it came to our Catholic faith, she would said yes.. I came to love my faith because of her..

My mom was never a showy person.. She always tried to show a brave face even on her last moments.. She was a very strong woman.. She tried to fight her sickness but knew when she had to give up herself to God..

I miss my Mama so much and I still cry whenever I remember her.. Maybe even if we already accepted the fact that she can no longer be with us, the pain of longing is still there and will remain forever.. But that feeling, I would never exchange for anything, as it makes me a better person because I know Mama is there watching my back..

I Love You, Mama.. Happy Birthday..

We Love You Mama.. We Miss You..

Tacloban City — Foodie Haven

I was in Tacloban on September 14-17, just wanna get out of the busy city for a while. I was supposed to be with my sister Mimie but she didn’t join due to some prior commitments at work.

Before coming to Tacloban, I already read some information about the city and since I love food, I also looked for good places to eat.. I wasn’t disappointed because Tacloban is a foodie haven. They got places worthy to visit — from family diners, cosy cafés to exquisite cuisine restos. So, that added to my excitement. Continue reading Tacloban City — Foodie Haven