Spaced out.. Downcast.. Apathetic..
I can’t move, I don’t want to move.. Too heavy.. Too difficult..
I can’t describe what I am feeling for the past few days up to these first few hours of August.. It feels like something has drilled a hole in my chest and sucked everything out then left it open..
Each step, each breath, seems like I am carrying the whole world with it.. Heavy shoulders like carrying giant boulders–it’s nothing–I don’t care.. I don’t mind.. Let me carry even more..
Food before is a bliss, an enjoyment.. Now, eating and drinking are just necessities to sustain life.. Enough to put something in my stomach until the next meal..
I hear everything but I can’t understand a single word.. I don’t listen, my mind doesn’t process the words entering my ears.. They mean nothing, just mumbling..
Nothingness.. Yes, that’s it.. That’s the best description I can make..
Nothingness.. Emptiness.. Nonexistence..
I need to fight this.. I need to do something.. I am not alone, not lonely, I shouldn’t feel this.. This emptiness doesn’t have the right to grasp even a small part of me.. I do know where it is coming from but I keep on ignoring, denying it.. This should stop now..
Pray.. I need to pray and I need prayers.. I just renewed my Faith and I know I am being tested..
Prayer is always fruitful.. That’s what St. Josemaria Escriva said and I know it’s true..
If the good Lord has not provided me what I have asked Him, I know it is for my own good.. I know He’ll provide me what I truly deserve at the right moment, at the right time–His own time, not mine..
I should lift it up to the Lord.. This nothingness.. Pray to Him.. Talk to Him.. Tell Him everything though He already knew.. I may not understand why I have to feel this but I know He has a good reason..
He gives His hardest battles to His toughest soldiers.. And I am one of them.. I know I do..
I’ll just have to keep my spirit up.. Keep the Faith and I’ll be okay..